the journal

Well, my life has definitely been crazy lately. I had a baby last November, my 2 year old is still adjusting to sister life, we’ve moved twice, my husband graduated college and got a new job and I’ve been dealing with insecurities that I’ve never had before. Plus, with all the regular mom and life responsibilities things have been pretty overwhelming. I feel like I never have enough time in the day and it seems like nothing ever gets done. And if you know me at all, you know that I hate chaos and I like having things organized.

So, needless to say, I’ve been struggling. I’ve been struggling with being a mom of 2 little ones who need constant attention and care. I’ve been struggling with feelings of guilt that just being a mom isn’t enough for me. I’ve been struggling to find time to work my business and to improve my skills. I’ve been struggling with feelings of resentment because I don’t have time to work my business. And I’ve been struggling with trying to be happy with my post-pregnancy body and not feeling like I have time to do anything about it right now.

I’m not writing this to vent or to make you feel sorry for me, but to help myself realize how blessed I am. Because when I feel like I can’t do it all, God makes up the difference. He knows me. He loves me. And He knows and loves you too. The little things are important to Him and He will give us strength if we ask for it.

Through all of this struggle, I’ve realized a few things. 1st ~ It’s okay to not do everything right now! I had about a month of feeling so down about myself and my body that I wanted to try everything I could to feel better. So, I started exercising more, trying to eat better and getting all the creams to try and get rid of my stretch marks. And then I had an experience that helped me remember that I’ve carried and given birth to 2 beautiful, healthy baby girls and that my body needs time to heal. And that’s okay.

2nd ~ God wants me to be happy and fulfilled. I’ve really been having a hard time with my business the last few months. I haven’t had the time to focus on it like I’ve wanted and it’s been really difficult for me. Just being a stay at home mom isn’t fulfilling for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my girls and they bring me so much joy. But, I need another purpose to truly feel appreciated and fulfilled. And for me, that’s working my business and serving couples who are about to make amazing promises to each other. The last few months, I’ve been doubting that I should keep doing this photography thing. I haven’t had many inquiries and no bookings and no time to do anything marketing related or make goals for the new year (which is a quarter of the way over now) or spend time improving the back-end of my business. I’ve gone back and forth several times and have been trying to figure out if I just need to step back and take a break or if somehow I can find the time I need to work on this business that I love. And dealing with feeling guilty that I can’t just be a mom has added to the struggle too. But after taking a break for a little while, and being super unhappy, I’ve realized that it’s okay to do things we love! God wants me to be fulfilled as a mother, as a wife and as an individual. And if photography is the way that’s going to happen, then it’s okay to spend time on it. Even if that means the dishes don’t get done some days and it takes me 5 extra minutes to get my baby a bottle.

3rd ~ God will always make up the difference. When I focus on the things that are most important, and when I ask God for help, He always comes through. Maybe not in the way I’d hoped or wanted, but he always comes through. My husband just graduated with his Bachelor’s and I’ll be honest, I really wanted to move somewhere warmer. I’m so sick of this Idaho wind and cold for more than half the year, every year for more than 12 years. But, God had a different plan for us. So, Geoff just started a new job here and we’re living in an apartment complex which we don’t love (we’re not good at having close neighbors), but at least he has a job and we have a roof over our heads. And I know that I can be happy here if I ask God to help me and to make up what I can’t.

So, this Easter I want you to remember what God has done for you. What He continues to do for you and what you can do for Him. I’m so grateful that I have a living, resurrected God who knows me and loves me and is always there for me. And for you.