the journal

Well, it’s been a while since I’ve written a personal post and I’ve been thinking a lot lately about life in general. This year has been so much less crazy than last year. My first daughter was born on December 30th, 2016, so 2017 was a crazy year! A few months after Adalynn was born, I decided to buy a home decor store! And a couple months before that I decided to become a Mary-Kay beauty consultant. So…it was busy. I was trying to figure out who I was again because I had spent all of January being sick and then learning to care for a new baby. Which is a rollercoaster in and of itself. But I needed a purpose. I needed something to keep me busy and help me get back to being myself and not just ‘mom’. After a couple months of being a Mary-Kay consultant and 6 months of running a store, I decided it wasn’t for me. My photography was suffering, my family was suffering and my marriage was suffering. So I knew I had to make a change. In October of 2017, we closed the home decor store and I stopped with Mary-Kay a couple months before that.

After things slowed down a bit, I decided to focus solely on photography. I started some online classes and really worked on the business side of photography. I was still busy, but I was home a lot more. I was able to spend time with my family and enjoy watching my daughter grow up. And it was a much needed change. Looking back, I realize that I was trying to find happiness in all of these adventures. When really, happiness was right in front of me. I knew I needed to slow down and focus on what was most important. So this year, I have really tried to simplify my life. I haven’t taken on as much and I’ve only focused on photography and my family.

And it has been great! My photography business has been going so well and I have worked with some amazing people! I’ve been able to serve several couples and have watched them as they started their journey as husband and wife. And it has brought me so much joy. Which has been wonderful! My husband and I then found out we were pregnant again! I’m due November 21st with another girl and we are so excited. But pregnancy is not easy for me and I really struggle with everything when I’m pregnant. The first trimester I was always irritated and constantly nauseous. And for most of the second trimester my hormones have been super weird and I’ve been constantly worried and stressed about everything!

And one night it all came to the surface and I broke down. I like to think that I’m a pretty put together person. I schedule things and plan things and I don’t cry in front of people and I don’t let it show when I’m annoyed. But sometimes you can’t keep everything bottled inside. During the past couple months, I’ve found myself thinking, I can’t wait until we have a bigger house, I can’t wait until we have more room, I can’t wait until we have more money, I can’t wait until we have more time, I can’t wait until I can charge more for weddings,  I can’t wait until I’m not pregnant anymore, I can’t wait until Adalynn is in a toddler bed…and the list goes on and on. And I haven’t thought much of it until the other night when my husband was working on his 3D printer and I got annoyed. Because it’s always either on top of the dryer or in our bedroom because we don’t have any other space for it.

And then the tears came. I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling so down and frustrated and why I couldn’t just relax! And that’s when I realized that something had to change. My mood was affecting our family and my outlook on life. I was always worried or stressed about something and didn’t stop for a break unless it was a nap. Because physically I’m exhausted! I’m growing a human! But right after my nap I would wake up and get back to work. Staying busy. And when I finally realized that I was keeping myself busy because I wasn’t happy, I got even more upset and kept thinking, why can’t I just let things go?, why do I have to be a perfectionist?, why am I so stressed about everything all the time?. And my sweet husband calmed me down and asked me what he could do to help. But I knew this was something I had to change on my own.

Happiness is something we choose. It’s not something that comes to us. Yes, there are things that always make us smile, but we choose to smile. We choose what makes us happy and what doesn’t. And I was going down a path that could only lead to unhappiness. I was worried and stressed about everything and couldn’t let the little things go. So, while my business has been going great and I’ve been making so many improvements, my personal life has been just hanging on. And that’s not okay. The whole reason I’m a photographer is to help people feel loved. I want my couples to know that the love they share is stronger than anything else…but how can I tell them that if I don’t exemplify it in my own life? Love and happiness are intertwined. When we choose to love those around us and love the things that we have and are given, we become happy. We realize that we’re so blessed and that even if all the material things were taken away, we’d still have love. We’d still have family. We’d still have happiness. And that is what I promise to work on. I promise to love as much as I can and to not take that for granted.