the journal

We always think that everyone else’ life is perfect. That they have so much money and they are successful and their life is butterflies and daisies. And we think that our life is terrible. That the grass will always be greener on the other side, that once I have more money, I’ll be successful. Or once I’m married, I’ll be happy. Once this stage of my life is over, I’ll have more time for me. …

But it’s not true. Life is hard. You heard me right. LIFE IS HARD! But we have to stop waiting for things to happen and start living the good life.

When I was 12, I had a really rare auto-immune disorder that landed me in the hospital for 5 days with an auto immune booster IV and 6 months of therapy afterwards. And I’ll tell you, I was NOT okay. I was terrified. I was worried, I was scared. And because of this auto-immune disorder, I’ve had a myriad of other health problems throughout my life. None of them have been life-threatening. But, they have been hard. And I haven’t been okay through a lot of it. But, I’ve pretended that I was.

I’m a perfectionist. I like things to be organized, planned, and perfect. And I’ve been like this my WHOLE life. And it’s been a struggle, but like I said, I’ve pretended to be fine. And, in some ways, I was fine. I was surviving and I was truly happy. But, the last few months have been an eye opener for me. I’ve been working so hard on my business and my dream and I’ve been realizing that it’s hard. It’s hard to not compare yourself to others. It’s hard to feel like everyone else has everything and you have nothing. It’s hard to work so hard and not see immediate results.

But, we were not created to feel like this. We were not created to put ourselves down, to tell ourselves that we’re not good enough. We were created to have joy. To be confident in our abilities and to realize our divine purpose. Now, this doesn’t mean that it won’t be hard. It will be. We will struggle and we will doubt. But as long as we rise above it and wake up and try again, we are successful. We are happy. And it will be okay.

I keep thinking about the scenario that when you go to someone else’ house, the first thing they say when you walk in, is ‘Sorry, it’s such a mess in here!’. When really, their house is spotless and you think, ‘My goodness, if only my house looked this good!’. So, why do we always say this? Even if we know that we just cleaned the house, we still say it. It’s because we compare. Because we feel like we’re not good enough. Because we make excuses for things being not okay. When in reality, It’s OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY!

It’s okay to struggle and to break down and to be sad or angry. Because that is what makes us who we are. I think about the auto-immune disorder I had when I was 12. And recently, I’ve been having health problems that I’ve had to be pretty open about especially at work. And some of my co-workers have said, ‘You’re too young to have to deal with this’. And I’ve joked around saying that it’s because of my auto-immune disorder when I was 12. It just messed me up for my whole life. And, the truth is, that it really did. Because I had that disorder, my body is so much more susceptible to auto-immune problems. And that’s how it will be for the rest of my life. But, I’ve been realizing that that’s okay.

Everyone struggles with something different. And NO ONE is perfect. No matter what their instagram of Facebook feed look like. And that’s OKAY. It takes more than a lifetime to become perfect. But, that’s how it was designed to be. It’s okay to struggle but it’s what we do with the struggle that makes us stronger. Sometimes, we have to take a day and watch TV in our pajamas. And that’s OKAY. As long as we get up and keep trying, we will be blessed.

Starting this photography business has been hard. I’m always thinking that I’m not strong enough or smart enough or talented enough. That I don’t have enough time or money or skill. But it’s not true. We have to stop pretending to be perfect and realize that no one is. We have to start sharing our stories and our struggles, because that’s what inspires people. It helps them realize that they can do hard things too. That they’re worth it and that sometimes, it’s okay to not be okay.